The Secret Big Flatbread Doesn't Want You to Know

August 6, 2021

The Everyday Veils

Those Who Refuse to Question

Let’s be honest you know the type. Prefers a panini to a baguette. A pita pocket to a calzone. Insists that the tortilla is an accurate model of the earth, and that therefore making their own would be akin to playing god. Sure, you always knew they were eccentric, but did you ever realize that they were part of a vast conspiracy to keep you from making your own flatbreads at home?

Check the facts, sheeple! Right now the top selling pita bread on Amazon is 3 packages at 16 pitas per package, each package weighing 8 ounces. The eighth letter of the alphabet is H. The 16th letter is P. The third is C. Pontius Pilate asked Christ “What is Truth?” Those who doubt go to Hell. They’re spelling it out for you! Besides, if bread were round how would we ever bake it?

Breaking Through

If you’re ready to do what they would have you believe is impossible, if you’re ready to shatter the one-sided mirror that’s been holding you captive to Big Flatbread’s lies while they laugh and mock you, continue on to receive the true empowerment of fresh baked bread.


To Prepare

Dough Rules Everything Around Me

If you’re using yeast you’ll want to ‘proof’ the yeast which, .. I think the packets have directions? Just google it, i dunno, sourdough starter is pretty easy to create and maintain and you can google that too what am I your mother?

Combine all the dry ingredients and something like 1/4 - 1/2 cup of sourdough starter. I keep my starter pretty liquidy but that obviously will affect the amount of water you need. Add at least half a cup of water and work it in. Slowly add more water until the dough just starts to form a ball and cohere. Our goal here is a stiff smooth dough that can be kneaded without sticking to our hands.

Knead the dough for a while. Think of it like prayer: you can’t really tell if kneading for 5 more minutes is going to work, but it’s satisfying to do and doesn’t that basically mean it’s already working?

Let the dough rest and rise. I usually oil it and cover it with a wet towel. You can walk away for like 1-4 hours, probably more. Agents of Beelzebub will try to tell you that this is a precision chemical protocol but they’re basically trying to keep you down: Unless your goal is to be like the McDonald’s of homemade flatbread you can kinda just do whatever you want.

Bringing the Warmth of God’s Love

Heat your oven and one or more suitable vessels (see below) to 500+ degrees (F).

Like any wise overseer you know that your yeasts have been fruitful. They have taken over all that you set before them, and now is the time of their harvest. It really doesn’t matter whether your dough has “doubled in size,” your dough is probably large enough already and they just say things like that to prey on your insecurities.

I’ve been using a 12” and 10” cast iron pan, because that’s what I own and they fit on the same oven rack next to eachother. If you have a pizza stone or something fancy and flat, go for it. I don’t think you want a cookie sheet because it doesn’t hold heat as well, but I bet it’d work anyway.

Punch down the dough and knead it for a minute. Break it into 7-10 balls of vaguely equal portions. Lightly oil each dough-ball so that they don’t stick together as you place them back in the bowl.

Finished Flatbreads and Doughballs awaiting their fate

Spread flour across a wide working surface, and then roll the dough balls out into roughly flat circles one at a time. If you’re baking them in batches of 2+ you can set aside the circles for a few minutes after you’ve rolled them out. They’ll be lightly coated in dry flour and that’s great.

Flat dough on a floured board

Bake for ~3 minutes. You can watch the air bubbles form as you bake them, and if you’ve kept a pretty dry dough, rolled it thin, and kept the oven fully hot, you’re pretty likely to get them to fully poof up into pita-ish things. I’m no breadologist, but I think rolling them seals the outside and the tiny amount of moisture trapped within turns into steam which inflates the bread. Or, I mean, it’s a divine miracle and proof of universal love. Except not from the yeast’s prespective.

Anyway if you overbake it, the bread gets stiffer and you wind up with Pita crackers or something so I recommend keeping it pretty close to 3 minutes. I also got better results waiting a few minutes between batches for the oven to reheat itself.

just finished bread in the pans

Critical Reviews

I dunno I’ve been on vacation this week with my mom visiting and we’ve made three variations on this recipe so i think the fact we keep making it kinda speaks for itself.

It’s a more active process than baking just a regular loaf of the same volume, since every 3 minutes you’re putting a new batch in or pulling the finished ones out, but otherwise it’s only as much work as any other half-assed sourdough bread which (to misquote Jess) is somehow simultaneously not very much work and yet also so much work that you’re not sure why commercial bread is available for under $20/loaf.


Through this tale I hope you understand now that a critical approach to all store goods is necessary. If you can make your own they have no more power over you, so they constantly try to convince you that it requires mechanical precision only achievable on industrial scale. If nobody buys their bread on Amazon how will Jeff Bezos afford his own personal space shuttle? If the moon landing was faked why isn’t Jeff Bezos an astronaut? Besides, if the bread isn’t flat then why doesn’t the hummus fall off of it?

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Hi mom!