Banana Bread Du Jour Prevents Cancer with Antioxidant Superfruits

October 6, 2020

Blueberry Pomegranate Banana Bread


You can tell the pomegranate is an ancient food by how hard it is to eat. Vaughnda calls it “fruit corn” but this name belies the time required. Like it’s cousin, the pomeranian, you wouldn’t just casually give one to a friend.

Oh, hey, how’s it going finishing your PhD dissertation and/or working two full time jobs? I figured life was hard so to help I picked you up a pome[ranian | granate] on the way over. – nobody who actually likes their friend.

On the other hand a pomegranate or pomeranian is the perfect housewarming present for a frenemy: Oh, that’s a really nice thick white shag carpet. Here, just try to eat this fruit fractally composed of splattery bright red juice nuggets while you make smalltalk with twenty people at once. Or try to keep this energetic young excrement machine from chewing the parts of your carpet he doesn’t otherwise discolor; you said you like dogs, right? – let’s be real this has probably happened.

Pomegranates are also perfect for when you’re trying to bind a young goddess as your queen in the underworld. Not like I know, but I know, you know?

There’s a great video somewhere on the interent for how to get up in a pomegranate’s business. The idea is you slice just the pith and a few tiny bits of fruit off from the stem or flower side, exposing the pith-ribs, which run along the small ridge lines of the not-quite-round fruit body. Then you make thin slices along those ridge lines, which allows you to pull out an otherworldly wedge of gleaming red kernels. Anyway it still takes too long.

To Prepare

Melt coconut oil and half a bag of bittersweet chocolate chips in a small pot. Add a little sugar and a generous pour of vanilla directly to the pot.

Dump sugar (white and brown), flours (white and whole wheat), salt, baking soda, and cocoa into a large mixing bowl. You get a little heavy handed so maybe this’ll be a big batch?

Preheat oven to 350 F.

As the chocolate starts to dissolve into the oil, stir to dissolve the vanilla and sugar. Add a bunch of frozen blueberries (the 3 lb bags were on sale, so you have plenty). The trick here is to add the blueberries slowly, so that they thaw in the hot chocolate. If you add them too quick you’ll actually freeze the whole thing and then have to wait a while. Which you do, so you do.

Begin to prepare pomegranate by slicing it open and plucking the beautiful fruit-encrusted seeds one by one. Do this until you wish you were already done, at which point probably like 5% of the fruit is in the mixing bowl.

Check whether your blueberry-chocolate fondue is still glaciated or if the ravages of climate change have turned it al dente. Probably just add a few more.

Keep pulling individually glistening red jewels out of your hellish dowry fruit. Seriously these things are their own hobby.

Now the chocolate blueberries are soup again and too hot for your inner wrist so add a few more frozen berries, pull it off the heat, and stir them in. Think about how much cancer you’re preventing with all the antioxidants in these blueberries. Like, why haven’t scientists figured this out yet? Do they get how simple it is, that this banana bread could just prevent cancer?

Crack two eggs into your mixing bowl. The first egg is surprisingly heavy – woah, cool, it’s twins? There’s two yolks in there anyhow, and maybe this is divine providence since you’ve had a heavy hand for literally every other ingredient today. So just to be clear, this recipe calls for one regular egg and one XL egg that’s twins because baking is a precision craft and also the pomegranate is connected to the gods and also fertility so this whole thing is feeling pretty cosmic.

Pour the chocolate-blueberry-oil, now a perfectly lukewarm temperature, into the bowl and mix everything. Oh man, don’t forget to add the semisweet chocolate chips (most of a bag).

Grease your casserole or lasagna pan with a little more coconut oil and pour in the batter. Top with salt. Bake for 65 minutes while you think about all the cancer you won’t get cause of this superfood banana bread.

Put the other half of the pomegranate in the fridge. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


Tip: To prevent cancer while you sleep, eat an extra serving before bed.

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